Date: 2008-04-12 19:45 Subject: Bloogah! Security: Public

Were I even bothering to participate in Scriptfrenzy, I'd be making it my bitch.

I wrote some 20+ pages on Aeon Babel between last night and a few hours today, cleared up some continuity and changed Tristan's character from a hostile cocksnot toward Rick to more of a Kamina-like mentor. I still need to write the "party scene" where Tristan bestows upon Rick some sage advice on the nature of manhood, before going out and deflating Rick's ego by totally banging Satsuki, the thinly-veiled Rei clone (of which I have dozens of tubes in my basement, all full of gloshy orange fluid and naked little doll-like clones. I think many are dead, but that's beside the point).

See, the joke here is that the Dragons are actually a manifestation of Rick's sexual frustration, and it's Tristan's part in the ridiculously-complicated-and-stupid "The Project" to act as his mentor, to build Rick up, then knock him down again, amplifying and maximizing his despair and frustration.

This is all done "For Some Reason" not at all unlike the actions of the clock guy in the last couple of episodes of Torchwood's first season.

Rocking in the free world.
Aeon Babel - The Genesis Saga, 4-10-2008.

FURTHERMORE, DERP I STILL HAVEN'T FILLED OUT MY TAX RETURN. MAYBE I OUGHT DO THAT TOMORROW MORNING WOT?

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Date: 2008-03-11 14:38 Subject: I'D RATHER WATCH "MY NAME IS JOE DON" Security: Public

But this is cool, too

"My favorite Bruce Campbell story is when this guy ended up standing next to him at a crosswalk, waiting for the light to change. The guy was shocked, he looked up at Mr. Campbell, slowly working up his courage to say: 'Oh wow, you're Bruce Campbell.'
"Bruce looked at him, dead in the eye and replied: 'My friend, someone has to be.'" - Bionicfen

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Date: 2008-03-06 21:25 Subject: Writers' Blah Security: Public

Man, over the past four weeks, I've had zero inclination to actually write anything.

Feeling completely uncreative and untalented and unskilled totally sucks. I hope this is just a rut in the road and not a downward trend.

However:

Is it possible that this has inspired me to work on Doomshrooms some more?

Yes, I believe it has. I'll have to save the Zombie Nation rewrite for another time and go back into doing Doomshrooms as a creature feature (something modern cinema audiences are sorely missing out on, Cloverfield be damned)

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Date: 2008-02-28 14:51 Subject: Well, now that someone's cracked the code... Security: Public

...I can get to writing my Indie Movie and then collect my Oscar statue then fellate it on national television like that hipster idiot that won for Juno.

Fun fact! She had the naughty bits airbrushed out of her totally-hip tattoo before arrival at the Oscar Stadium. Apparently, according to 4chan who just loves that woman to itty bitty pieces, her tattoo informed the world that she belonged to a pimp named "John."

Awesome, huh!

I can't wait to be a piece of shit hipster that wins a gilded statue of a naked man based upon a movie I'll write based on the following guide!

( Click to read the helpful guide: 'How To Make an Indie Comedy'. )

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Date: 2008-02-18 21:16 Subject: Golly Security: Public

It's come to my attention that I've been "friended" by a teenaged Floridian Torchwood fan.

Are we ever going to be bestest of friends! Are you cute? Florida is Floridawesome. I want to pay a visit so I can shoot at alligators. Either them or nutria, which I hear are more comical than jackrabbits. Can I shoot from one of those fan-backed swamp-skiffs? If not, ha ha, you Florida rednecks might have saucy bikini beach babes, but us Nevada rednecks can spotlight jackrabbits (but not shoot at them from a vehicle because that would be illegal and we would never, ever do anything that even comes near the hem of skirting the law.)

For those of you keeping score, CSI: Miami rules and Torchwood is godawful, just in case the home audience missed the last ticker crawl that tends to speed along the bottom edge of the screen at such a lightning pace with which many of the quasi-literate viewers plonked down on their Barcoloungers have difficulty keeping pace.

Godspeed undersea, welcome to the club. Stay awhile, stay forever.

IN OTHER EARTHSHATTERING NEWS:

I haven't written paragraph one on Aeon Babel - The Genesis Saga in almost two weeks. I'm feeling very ashamed of myself, but I'm having a difficult time with the jokes. RIFFING ON ANIME CULTURE - GIANT MECHA ANIME IN GENERAL IS DIFFICULT !!!! >____<;; Maybe I should make an /m/ thread? Comedy - that's hard! But Tragedy - man, that's funny.

The worst part is, I lump my rucksack, laptop within to work every day, drop it on the tech bench and not do anything with it, despite the hours and hours of soul-crushing downtime with which I'm saddled.

I did however think that it'd be dang hilarious if I were to arbitrarily throw in eyecatches and a two-minute "recap episode" somewhere toward the end of the second act, about which my Greek Chorus (two maintenance techs named Oscar and Ray) comment.

Maybe I'd be better off just writing a bunch of scenes that riff on M-Anime tropes and then find some way to stitch them together in a cohesive narrative. That's how Hot Shots! did it, right?

~buh~

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Date: 2008-01-29 21:14 Subject: Ladies and Gentlemen Security: Public

An idea, a brilliant idea has formed in our heads and we have, no we need to write it down.

As the six of you who read this page realize, I've long been in collaboration with my brainstorming buddy Richie (aka Colonel Craud, aka Toadpole). Earlier today, we stumbled on a goddamned gold mine, a veritable Motherlode of brilliance. If you'll take the shit to care and read beyond the cut, you can see our work (because IM conversations are unique content)

It basically boils down to this:
The _____ Movies suck balls. They're godawful and you're a complete cockshot for watching them. If you're the kind of asshole who pays money to go see these movies, please, for the love of God kill yourself now. If you have children, drown them first, sterilize your spouse then kill yourself lest your genes be allowed into the pool.

Yeah, I saw Epic Movie in the theatre, but I paid for Night at the Museum. I told the cutie behind the ticket counter to not sell me a ticket to Epic Movie, that I would pay to get in to see something else, but I was going to see Epic Movie, those fuckers were not getting a goddamned penny out of me.

The girl just rolled her eyes and punched out a ticket for Epic Movie, to which I threw a rather extravagant hissy, forcing her to refund the ticket and sell me one to Night at the Museum (which was still playing at the time at the Northgate 10 cinemas in Carson City). So, not only did Epic Movie not get any of my goddamned money, but I technically lost money for the film. Swish, two points nothin' but net, on fire etc.

Where was I? Okay anyway, pursuant to my "I Love You The Asylum, Can I Be Your Awesome-O" post from last week, I think I've found the most brilliant way to get a movie made.

Dig if you will, NOT FUNNY. A deconstruction of the ____ Movie franchise except actually funny and competent for maximum irony.

The plot, as thin as it is features two idealized self-inserts in an empty theatre watching INEPT PARODY MOVIE VIII: GREET THE EPIC SCARY HOBBITS. They throw shit at the screen (literal feces) and proclaim that they could do better.

Thus begins their quest to do better. Naturally, these characters are forgotten about as the movie progresses.

The movie is a series of three to five minute shorts (approximately twenty of them) that follow the same path as my Awesome-O post: Simply making a deconstruction based upon the IMDB and Wikipedia synopses of the huge blockbuster movies that will be released in 2008 and 2009, boil them down to a short recurring sketch featuring a cast of seven or so actors who switch roles (like the Flying Circus). Each sketch is tenuously-connected to the last - for instance - a character from Rasp could walk across the street and tip his hat to the character from Budgie who continues across the street, starting her story (again like the Flying Circus).

NOT FUNNY will contain a Greek Chorus, which imagine being two assholes liveblogging the experience to 4chan, posting ridiculous memes and generally deconstructing the movie as it goes.

Given that The Asylum (with whom I'm in love) bankrolls small movies to the tune of $.5M, easily recouping that loss in the rental sales market, thus guaranteeing a profit stream, were I to write this film, put together a business plan and budget for it, contact the local agencies and find out what it would cost to set up a soundstage.

Given my propensity, my predilection toward doing things on the under side, the black market side, on the delta lima as we like to say, I'm certain I could steal, scrounge and scam the appropriate equipment I'd need to make this film for rock bottom, and at the same time actually have it be, you know, good.

I have the tools, I have the talent. I'm going to Git-R-Done.

OH YEAH WHILE WE'RE AT IT, PUTTIN' AEON BABEL ON THE BACKBURNER BECAUSE NOT FUNNY IS A PROFITABLE IDEA THAT WOULD BE EASIER TO WRITE AND HAVE FINANCIAL BACKING PROVIDED.
AEON_BABEL_01-28-08.txt

tome of finland: this is probably the quickest I've ever backburnered a prior project for another one
comissar craud: ^_^
tome of finland: all the GURLZ out there are lucky I don't date, they'd all have they widdow hearts BUSTED

Something tells me that I'll be consumed by another wacky and retarded idea by next week and forget completely about this one too. But that's how I roll, I assume any day now, I'll approach a Creative Singularity where my awesome ideas come at a rate that is by far too rapid for me to contend, likely causing my head to explode like in the hit film Scanners which is being re-fucking-made for a 2008 release.

MORE HILARIOUS IM BULLSHIT BELOW THE CUT BECAUSE THAT'S HOW I PREWRITE.
( Read more... )

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Date: 2008-01-26 12:43 Subject: More Awesome-O for The Asylum Security: Public

George Lucas to write and direct Mad Max 4 after wrapping up production guidelines for Star Wars tv series. Filming will begin in 2009, Mel Gibson is apparently on board.

A supersexy desert hermit leads a troupe of children through a postapocalyptic desertscape in search of an aircraft that will take them to The Promised Land.

Whoops.

Okay, how about a supersexy sole survivor from a worldwide extinction must come to grips with the fact that she's the last (and sexiest) human on a world populated by mutant cannibaloids?

God dammit.

Uh how about a supersexy woman gets trapped in a world that wavers between placid, peaceful serenity and flesh-rending horror and needs to discover the truth about this awful place. Is it cursed land? Is it her own personal hell?

Fuck!

A supersexy survivor of a starship crash wanders through the desert of a hostile alien planet. She encounters the inhabitants of this world, a race not so different in appearance due to budgetary concerns from her own. Turns out she's Hitler.

Sorry The Asylum, I don't think I have it in me today ;____;

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Date: 2008-01-22 21:48 Subject: Cloverfield Zwei Security: Public

I can't wait!

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Date: 2008-01-21 18:17 Subject: I love you, The Asylum. Can I be your Awesome-O? Security: Public

So, in my eternal quest to land a gig writing for The Asylum, I've been scouring the internet, looking for movies that will be released within the next few years, have plots that can be summarized by a one-paragraph Wikipedia or IMDB synopsis and could be easily (and hilariously) spun into a feature film.

Over the last few days, I've wracked my brain. What the heck even is coming out in 2008 and 2009? Let's do a run-down.

Untitled Bond Picture.
"Untiled Supersexy Spy Action Film"
I could write a madcap action caper about a supersexy fashion model-cum-antiterrorist operative working for France's DGSE relocating to America to be trained and educated by top American superspies played by Bruce Campbell and Joe Don Baker. She's partnered with a supersexy Spanish cat burglar (who is in no way a parody/homage of Lupin III or anything) and a supersexy Japanese video idol whose parents and kitty were tragically struck down by terrorist violence while on tour in The Former Soviet Bloc Nation of Dumpistan.

Together the four (Joe Don stays behind at base, I suppose) traipse around the world, solving crimes, wearin' sexy miniskirts and bein' self-reliant (Bruce Campbell included).

The Balls of the Dragon (as of this writing, that link doesn't go any dang where).
"Demon Testes"
Nine mystical objects, believed to be preserved alien testicles are scattered around the world, it's up to a rascally cadre of heroes and heroines to brave a full-scale alien invasion seeking to reclaim the Demon Testes for themselves.

Chock full of sexy martial arts gunplay action!

The Dark Knight.
"In Darkest Night"
A genetically-modified supersoldier from a previous conflict makes an uneasy return to civilization, but being bred for raw, brutal combat, finds life on the outside to be boring and lacking in any real point. Restless, he stitches together a costume and takes to the rooftops, becoming a real-life vigilante superhero, tackling all the tough crime that the cops are too cowardly or incompetent to do themselves.

Told from the perspective of a supersexy young-but-determined up-and-coming newswoman, fresh out of telejournalism school as she tracks down the hero, attempting to separate the legend from reality and get The Real Story.

Saw V
FIVE! THEY MADE FIVE OF THEM!
"Rasp" - a touching tale of a gawky young boy disfigured by mean old jocks in his high school woodshop class. Years later, it turns out that he's kept tabs on those that have harmed him and sets the wheels of his revengemachination turning.

Totally not a ripoff of Herr Starr's backstory, god damn you.

Day of the Dead (Remake)
"Tomorrow's The Day We Died"
During Mexico's Dia de la Muerte festival, not all is as it seems when drug smugglers upset an ancient tomb, unleashing an antediluvian horror - angry feathered spacelizards who are able to shapeshift into human form, thus validating David Icke - upon the drug smugglers (all of whom are supersexy girls in sweat-stained wifebeater shirts), the paradegoers and everybody along the Texas border.

The Birds (Remake)
"Budgie" - a touching tale about a supersexy college girl and her brightly-colored pet bird. It turns out that the bird's bright colors are due to its close contact with radioactive sludge, causing the bird to mutate into a horrific, flesh-rending form and escape, spreading its radioactive sickness among the city's avian population, resulting in a swarm-effect of brightly-colored, flesh-hungry, radioactive birds.

Jurassic Park IV">
"Sapiozenic Park"
In an alternate timeline where dinosaurs lived and humans became extinct, an enterprising dinosaur scientist clones a bunch of humans from fossil DNA and puts them into a zoo. However, there are sinister motives in play, as the Army seeks to weaponize these human clones.

A supersexy dinosaur scientist, trying to protect her creation from the Army's clutches inadvertantly falls in love with a human clone and goes on the run.

Astro Boy
"CosmoGirl" A supersexy teenaged girl, involved in the Soviet Union's space program suffers grevious injury during a rocket launch mishap and is placed into suspended animation. Decades later, her brother, now a wizened scientist who had devoted his life to saving her, places her brain into a roboduplicate body.

She is revived and becomes a hero to the Neosoviet movement, a weapon and propaganda symbol rallied behind all the people of the former Soviet Union, used to reunite the Union and return it to its former glory.

Neon Genesis Evangelion
"Aeon Babel - The Genesis Saga"

A clandestine multinational organization trusted with defending the Earth from horrific threats from beyond has cloned mummified alien dragons that were set upon the Earth some twelve thousand years ago. The Dragons are explained as being the basis for all world mythologies.

The clandestine organization builds complicated control systems that can only be operated by hot-shot young video gamers.

There's a troubled psychic, a supersexy G-man black-ops babe, a space pilot and an annoying precocious kid, all of whom are on the side of Jose Everyhombre, the talented-but-scared robopilot chosen to fly the Aeon Babels by some video game contest (or something).

Oh fuck it, Aeon Babel - The Genesis Saga totally has to be made, I'm going to start working on it tomorrow.

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Date: 2008-01-18 13:23 Subject: Dailies Security: Public

I had a long conversation with my meatfriend Earl - with whom I should just stop showing my work, because it's apparent that he just doesn't "get it." He's one of these nerds that's effectively lived in a goddamned vacuum since 1997 and refuses to accept that the nerdscape has changed since we were in high school.

Us old-guard traditionalist nerds with interests in art and music and engineering and science are a dead or dying breed, supplanted by 4chan meme-posting weaboo faggots. Waps, janks - for the uninitiated.

And we (proper nerds) loathe them.

So! I think I figured out exactly how to fix this disaster of a screenplay.
More under the cut!( Read more... )<;;

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Date: 2008-01-17 17:29 Subject: WRITING ABOUT VIDEO GAMES Security: Public

I'm glad I completely ditched the pretension that I was a Journalist of any stripe. I'm finding that writing things is way more fun and fulfilling than writing about things.

Doesn't stop me from copypasting from IRC though instead of coming up with original content.

< ddp> < Tome> http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Jd3-eiid-Uw I COPYPASTED THIS EARLIER, YOU SHOULD WATCH IT, IT'S AWESOME
< ddp> konami please port police 911 to the wii
< Usagi_Sauce> I uh guess the industry wasn't ready to go down so easily
< ReverendRagu> MOCAP BOXING MOCAP BOXING MOCAP BOXING
< Usagi_Sauce> I wonder, though
< Tome> is that the name of the cop shooter game I love?
< ddp> yes
< Usagi_Sauce> How many companies are really going to take the gamble that players will be willing to use two 'motes at once
< Tome> they took it out of the one theatre I used to play it at
< Usagi_Sauce> AND wear a silly IR headset
< Usagi_Sauce> to play this game
< Tome> then I moved into town, and the game was gone
< ddp> usagi_sauce: WELLLLLLLLLL
< ddp> they have people in line buying stupid peripherals that aren't wiimotes
< Usagi_Sauce> THIS IS TRUE
< Usagi_Sauce> I guess all it takes is a tiny plastic stand for the remote (mfg cost: $0.05) and a headband or something with two button cells and LEDS (mfg cost: $0.62)
< Usagi_Sauce> You could probably fit them into a double-width DVD case
< Usagi_Sauce> And most people will have two Wiimotes already
< Tome> like the guy did, he put two IRLEDs on a set of sunglasses
< Tome> perfect for a CSI Miami licensed title
< Usagi_Sauce> hee hee
< ddp> or the police 911 wii port
< Usagi_Sauce> no
< ddp> or the ghost squad sequel
< Usagi_Sauce> dude
< Usagi_Sauce> the wiimote senses that the sunglasses have been put on a head
< Usagi_Sauce> and the sound goes
< Usagi_Sauce> YAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA
< Tome> except you have to time it right
< Usagi_Sauce> HEE HEE
< Tome> it's like one of those God Of War button sequence minigames
< Usagi_Sauce> TIME THE SUNGLASSES TO THE ONE-LINER TO COMPLETE THIS QTE

Apparently, our buddy "Diamond" Dallas Page doesn't understand our delightful obsession with CSI Miami.

A licensed CSI Miami game using a head-tracking peripheral would be so amazingly great. I can imagine little games like in Trauma Center where your CSI Guys search for clues, Shoot-and-Dodge sequences as Horatio and every mission starts with a "time the sunglasses take" minigame.

Jesus Christ, it'd be the best video game ever made. I'd buy a Wii just to play it.

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Date: 2008-01-16 15:29 Subject: Turns out... Security: Public

...hat my boss's daughter is an American Gladiator.

Rad.

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Date: 2008-01-16 14:51 Subject: More inane brainstorming Security: Public

I heard on the radio (on one of the K-lame shock jock morning shows that runs instead of music because I guess that way the radio stations can save money on ASCAP / BMI fees, I suppose) that there was a fuckin' Revenge of the Nerds remake in the pipe.

Well what the fuck? Why?

So, some ideas cropped into my head. Bear with me, this is very first draft and stream-of-consciousness.

Let's recap, shall we?

Our Heroes, a put-upon bunch of sad-sack losers with skills, talents, experiences and determination that by far outstrips the imaginationless, unchecked, irrational hatred of their oppressors. In the end, the Nerds get the girl(s), beat the bad guys, win the Greek Games and get their fraternity house back. Neato, I guess.

Neato if you're the kind of complete asshole who thinks that sports movies in which the heroes get better with a montage sequence only to win an athletic contest and become that which they hated - rather than overcoming, becoming greater than those who hated them, being the better person, the better human being. There is absolutely no difference, on a thematic level between Revenge of the Nerds and Rocky. Both movies are about underdogs, GUTS AND EFFORT, montage sequences and eventually overcoming the bad guy on the bad guy's terms, rather than doing the nerdish thing and actually beating the bad guys on the hero's terms rather than the villain's terms.

The titular Nerds in that movie were no different from the Jocks against whom they were fighting.

It's not that I dislike the movie in question, it's just that it's really no goddamned different from every other sports movie ever made. Being that it's an embodiment of the very essence of self-insertion wish-fulfillment that all nerds for some reason find immensely-appealing, the movie has enjoyed a quarter of a century of cult college comedy status, alongside such fare as Animal House, PCU and Van Wilder - all of which had to do with fucking fraternity houses.

In the words of Space Moose: I can't wait to be brothers with a bunch of numbnuts who have wet dreams about their dads.

So, onto the meat of this post about which nobody else will give a shit:
When I'm done writing my horror movie about those awful, awful trolls, I'll start to focus my attention on a speculation Revenge of the Nerds redux College Comedy Movie. Below is some of the original conversation that sprung from this epiphany:

< Tome> I had the best brainstorm ever earlier
< Tome> maybe not ever, but it was awesome
< Tome> I heard there was going to be a remake of Revenge of the Nerds
< Tome> then the gears started turning. The next Revenge of the Nerds movie should be about proper nerds, engineers, math students, linguists, artists and the like going up against the new wave of 4chan meme-spouting japanophile fags
< ddp> YES
< ddp> also ED/SA "I'M WAY BETTER THAN YOU SNORT NEENER" nerds
< Tome> totally
< Tome> fuck those people
< Tome> they're ruining what it means to be a nerd

< Tome> when I'm done with Zombie Nation The Movie
< ReverendRagu> they keep stealing all the decent words that useless idiots who hate themselves can use
< Tome> I imagine the Normal Nerds just staring at them with immense loathing and revulsion from across the quad
< Tome> "I swear to God, I'm going to rip that "I Want a Japanse Girlfriend" t-shirt off his his scrawny chest and shove it down his throat"
< Tome> I had written in the screenwriting elljay groupthink community that if you were to try and regain the sort of Gen-X slacker appeal that Kevin Smith had, one would have to do something that appeals to the 4chan meme-posting Gen-Y hikkikomori
< ddp> and the "oppressed straight white male" demographic
< Tome> oh totally
< Tome> I imagine that the Jnerdz will constantly be spouting "OPRESSION" and "LOL RAEP" at every chance.
< ddp> it's not just japanophiles
< ddp> it's the same people who take the ironic jokes in Wonder Showzen as empowerment
< Tome> yeah, it's everybody involved in the SA/Maddox internet culture

In my fantasy world where I'm able to make the sort of movies I want to make, my Revenge of the Nerds remake will be primarily about Proper Nerds facing off against Weeaboo Fags, Furries and LARPers; the sort of abominable nerds that make being someone who's into art and language and math and science and engineering (you know, proper nerds) cringe by association.

In my movie, the Proper Nerds will be the heroes, taking on and defeating the Weeaboo Fags who have completely destroyed in the public's opinion what it means to be a nerd.

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Date: 2008-01-14 21:17 Subject: Three days later Security: Public

And I'm still giggling. This is the best idea I've EVER HAD. Nine pages of first-drafty copypasta below the cut.
( Read more... )

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Date: 2008-01-11 22:31 Subject: Okay, the hell with Doomshrooms Security: Public

Conversation came up in my IRC channel (more like a monolog, but that's how I roll) about Uwe Boll and how much I love him (seriously, he's a Professional Antagonist. I wish I got paid to piss people off. he makes awful movies based on beloved titles, is generally loathed by the entire world, punched Lowtax in the mouth and bangs bikini models - truly, my role model) in which we postulated the prospect of adapting the hit video game Zombie Nation to the big screen. Below the cut are some AWESOME transcripts, yo!
( Read more... )

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Date: 2008-01-08 11:04 Subject: HEY CHECK ME OUT! Security: Public

I'M A FUCKING HACK!

This is about five pages from my feature film screenplay "Doomshrooms." It's about killer mushrooms. And as an aficiando of killer mushrooms myself, I can wholeheartedly agree.

This portion takes place after the killer mushrooms start killing those who are eating them. Cherry and Goliath Robinson are two of the main characters, the other main character, Iota Haamstein is only mentioned (he's on his own adventure in an adjoining scene).

This is really more me playing with formatting a screenplay for consumption in a web browser! Hopefully, these careful tables I spent about an hour formatting show up correctly!

( MORE UNDER THE CUT! )

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Date: 2008-01-08 09:21 Subject: IN ON THE MEMEWAGON Security: Public

Sorry B (deadshrimpblues), while I recognize that you're doing it too, I got mine from Richie's blog.

1. Father went to college.
2. Father finished college.
3. Mother went to college.
4. Mother finished college. (well, she graduated from a community college after I graduated from art school, does that count?)
5. Have any relative who is an attorney, physician, or professor.
6. Were the same or higher class than your high school teachers.
7. Had more than 50 books in your childhood home.
8. Had more than 500 books in your childhood home.
9. Were read children's books by a parent.
10. Had lessons of any kind before you turned 18. (studied ju-jitsu and English Composition for college credit)
11. Had more than two kinds of lessons before you turned 18. (did college count, I had two semesters done before I graduated high school at 17?)
12. The people in the media who dress and talk like me are portrayed positively.
13. Had a credit card with your name on it before you turned 18.
14. Your parents (or a trust) paid for the majority of your college costs.
15. Your parents (or a trust) paid for all of your college costs.
16. Went to a private high school.
17. Went to summer camp.
18. Had a private tutor before you turned 18.
19. Family vacations involved staying at hotels.
20. Your clothing was all bought new before you turned 18.
21. Your parents bought you a car that was not a hand-me-down from them.
22. There was original art in your house when you were a child.
23. You and your family lived in a single-family house.
24. Your parent(s) owned their own house or apartment before you left home.
25. You had your own room as a child.
26. You had a phone in your room before you turned 18.
27. Participated in a SAT/ACT prep course.
28. Had your own TV in your room in high school.
29. Owned a mutual fund or IRA in high school or college.
30. Flew anywhere on a commercial airline before you turned 16.
31. Went on a cruise with your family.
32. Went on more than one cruise with your family.
33. Your parents took you to museums and art galleries as you grew up.
34. You were unaware of how much heating bills were for your family.

Let's see, white trash family, kids all from different fathers, moved around a lot, mother worked in Corrections, didn't meet my father until I was twenty, had to buy my own car, had to pay my own way into Community College and now it's been eight years since I graduated real college and I've only paid about $2400 into my $36,000 worth of student loans.

If I ever meet someone that has all thirty four entries bolded, I'm going to punch them in the scrotal area.

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Date: 2007-12-29 23:58 Subject: AVP 2 Security: Public

Jesus Christ, what a piece of shit. I had to leave the theater with my face obscured, lest anybody I know recognize me as I left the theatre.

The entire film was just a rundown of callbacks to previous films in the two franchises. Since I'm a total nerd who accepts the movie Aliens as his favorite film in the history of cinema, I find this movie to be particularly irritating. I'm going to rattle off a rundown of the irritating callbacks to previous films:

First and foremost, the title. "Alien vs. Predator - Requiem" Redundant because the creatures are both alien and predatory, and there wasn't a single sad song to be sung throughout the film, unless you count our NERDRAGEOUS ANGUISH.

- We're introduced to a TOUGH FEMALE LEAD character (who really only has an incidental role), she's wearing a USMC uniform (Desert Marpat) but has U.S. Army nametapes and unit patches. But she's an aviator. The fact that she can fly a helicopter is never alluded-to before the first act (It's called "Checkhov's Gun, people. Learn to write.)

- The TOUGH FEMALE LEAD has a fragile young daughter with whom she's alienated. It was implied (but never stated outright) that the girl was five to six years of age, meaning that her mother was on deployment for much (four years) of her life, allowing the girl to become more attached to her father than to her mother. The girl was not cutely nicknamed after an amphibian.

- The main character (tough hombre Ex-Con who just happens to be BFF with the Sheriff) is named Dallas. Dallas was the name of the crewmember of the Nostromo that was sent into the Derelict on Company orders and came back with the facehugger parasite.

- "What the fuck are you?"

- Scene where the Predator is walking along a grate and its quarry is clinging to the underside of the very grate upon which he is walking.

- Scene where the TOUGH FEMALE LEAD is driving an Armored Personnel Carrier (this time, a Stryker) through hordes of Aliens.

- "There's a monster outside the window can I have a glass of water?" "There's no monster outside, here let me lean my face against the glass and shine my Mag-Lite..." ~SURPRISE!~ Actually, the funniest scene in the whole fucking movie. The audience laughed for good three minutes straight after that scene.
As you'll recall:

NEWT
My mommy always said there
were no monsters. No real
ones. But there are.

Ripley's expression becomes sober. She brushes damp
hair back from the child's pale forehead.

RIPLEY
(quietly)
Yes, there are, aren't there.

NEWT
Why do they tell little kids
that?.

- In Aliens, Hicks was splattered, gooshed solid with a healthy spray of acid blood, and it only kind of burned him a little bit, causing slight discomfort and requiring some ointment and gauze to repair. In AVP2, a hunter shoots a Facehugger, and the spray from its acid blood was caustic enough to melt his arm off at the elbow. Maybe their acid blood diluted a bit in the THREE HUNDRED FUCKING YEARS UNTIL HUMANS ACTUALLY MADE FIRST CONTACT WITH THEM.

- Predator uses the healing mechanism from the first two movies. Alas, he doesn't make a paste out of drywall.

- Predator's ship deploys in the same method as in the first movie. Main ship is left in orbit and a landing capsule is ejected to the surface.

- Fuck! Why are the Aliens even on Earth to begin with? Recall:

INSURANCE MAN
(to ECA Rep)
Are there any species like this
'hostile organism' on LV-426?

ECA REP
No. It's a rock. No indigenous
life larger than a simple virus.

Ripley grits her teeth in frustration.

RIPLEY
I told you, it wasn't indigenous.
There was an alien spacecraft there.
A derelict ship. We homed on its
beacon...

ECA REP
To be perfectly frank, we've surveyed
over three hundred worlds and no one's
ever reported a creature which, using
your words...
(read from Ripley's
statement)
...'gestates in a living human host'
and has 'concentrated molecular acid
for blood.'

Ripley glances at Burke, silent at the far end of the
table. His expression is grim. Her mouth hardens as
a bit of the old nail-eating Ripley surfaces.

RIPLEY
Look, I can see where this is
going. But I'm telling you those
things exist. Back on that planetoid
is an alien ship and on that ship
are thousands of eggs. Thousands.
Do you understand? I suggest you
find it, using the flight recorder's
data. Find it and deal with it --
before one of your survey teams
comes back with a little surprise...

VAN LEUWEN
Thank you, Officer Ripley. That
will be...

RIPLEY
(louder, stepping
on him)
...because just one of those
things managed to kill my entire
crew, within twelve hours of
hatching...

Van Leuwen stands, out of patience.

VAN LEUWEN
Thank you, that will be all.

Ripley stares him down, glowering at the board.

RIPLEY
That's not all, Goddamnit! If
those things get back here, that
will be all. Then you can just
kiss it good-bye, Jack! Just kiss
it goodbye.

- "Get to the chopper!" I actually stood up and shouted "OH FUCK YOU!" to the screen when he said this, the audience cheered.

- It'd been established that ball ammunition and buckshot was worthless against the Aliens' armored hide (Hicks' shotgun was ineffective until shoved into an Alien's mouth, Vasquez was only able to kill the Alien with her supersexy nickel-plated pearl-handled High Power by shoving it against the creature's unarmored cheek), so of course, plain-jane 55gr ball ammo carried by the National Guard soldiers in their M4 carbines was of course sufficient to kill the Aliens (but however bounced off the Predator's loincloth, throwing sparks the whole while).

- Predator Gizmos: Wrist blades, Combi-stick, medical kit, AKIMBO PLASMACASTERS (WTF, seriously retarded, how is he supposed to track with two plasmacasters when he's only one targeting laser on his hemet?). There was no net-launcher, no dart-launcher, none of the fun tools he was packing in Predator 2.

- When the helicopter is flying away from the atomic fireball, the "Escape From The Reactor" overture is playing.

- At the end, the remains of the Predator's kit is delivered to an Asian-looking woman who is referred to as "Ms. Yutani." This is a reference to The Company, who was only referred-to as such until the 1994 Extended Director's Cut of Aliens, where for a brief goddamned instant (seriously, like ten frames of film) is The Company referred to as "Weyland-Yutani" W-Y is a piece of fan lore, like the Ewoks, something that everybody knows despite the fact that it's never said aloud in the canon.

Jesus fucking Christ almighty over us. I'd like to say that the movie were an exercise in fanservice, but were it, it A: Wouldn't have taken place on Earth; B: Especially not in contemporary times and C: Would have at least had a sense of humor about itself. So, that being said, I'm of the opinion that the film was just a wholesale plagarism of half-dozen or so films that preceeded it.

What'd you think?

EDITED TO ADD:
But wait, there's more!

Due to the fact that the Alien in the film Alien Cubed was of a different design and locomoted in a primarily non-bipedal manner (seriously, in Aliens, we rarely even saw them in a bipedal locomotor, they were primarily quadrupedaling across ceilings and walls) than those in Aliens, coupled with the fact that the Alien emerged from a dog (in the original draft, it was a draft ox), that everybody automatically assumed that the Aliens as a species had some sort of mechanism that is able to blend itself with the host organism, taking on some of its traits.

This was the basis of the (super rad, I still have all mine) mid-90s Kenner line of Aliens toys and their accompanying comic booklets that they shipped with (I bought the Bishop figure just because I wanted the goddamned minicomic).

To assume that this already fanciful monster can somehow be even more fanciful by modifying its already highly-improbable reproduction cycle to have the beast take on traits from the host organism is infuriating, as it detracts from the series' (not counting Ressurection) veneer of plausibility, for that plausibility is what defined the Alien series as one of the true masterworks of science fiction / horror. Eschewing the fine layer of plausibility and verisimilitude does to Alien what the Prequels did to Star Wars.

Uh and what Resurrection and AVP did to the Alien and Predator franchises.

FURTHERMORE: It's implied in Aliens by Bishop that the Aliens timeline maintains continuity parity with the Terminator timeline. The original draft of the script, Bishop referred to his predecessor Ash as "one of those old Cyberdyne models." In the screen version, Ash is referred-to as "one of those old Hyperdyne models." While the possibility of an Alien / Predator / Terminator triangle crossover is a wicked fucking sweet idea, something tells me that those grassfucking executroids at Fox would even fuck that up.

EVEN ANOTHER MORE FURTHER:
I can't shake how this movie changed me on a fundamental level, yes, I realize THAT'S THE POINT OF ART. You're supposed to be a different person coming out than you were going in. But this film did it to me in the bad way, not in the good way like how Stalin starring Indian Superstar Chiru Chiranjheevi changed my outlook on life for the better, but in that sort of manner that convinced Chuck Manson that a Beatles B-Side (and not even a very good one at that) was the trumpet blare that signified the events depicted in The Revelation of Mark.

When I saw the movie, the whole theater was filled with hate. It was at that moment that I finally understood the appeal of the Klan or the Nazi party. Everybody is engaged in a mutual experience where the sole emotion being felt is a blinding hatred, directed with a pinprick focus upon one thing in particular.

It was an amazing experience, one I'd never felt before. It had an appeal to it, a sexy, slick sort of attraction like a centerfold model, slick with mineral oil and glaring from the studio lights. I've been hating things my whole life, but never in a group, never in an organized sort of herd, never before have I experienced raw, unilateral hatred. It was powerful, it was seductive - like that first snoot of cocaine. My mind was swirling and swimming with the very intoxication of a group-hate.

Now I know what it feels like to be a liberal, and I can certainly see the appeal.

(ALSO, BEST BUDDY EVER RICHIE WROTE ABOUT THE FUCKED-UP GENDER ISSUES IN THE MOVIE ON HIS BLOG. YOU OUGHT READ IT)

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Date: 2007-12-16 23:39 Subject: Sorry Zartan Security: Public

But I got mine for free:
http://thepiratebay.org/tor/3936465

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Date: 2007-12-09 17:15 Subject: Amazon Dot Comedy Security: Public

http://www.amazon.com/Cloverdale-Fresh-Whole-Rabbit/dp/B00012182G/ref=pd_sbs_misc_img_4

That'd be a Fresh, Whole Cloverdale Rabbit! MM yeah! I do indeed love rabbits! They are good eatin' and better shootin'. Who can argue with that? Except the damn thing is like ten dollars a pound, out of which one and a half pounds are bones. Rabbits aren't very meaty critters, they have a fairly high bone : meat ratio. Oh wells!

But let's scroll down shall we, scroll down to the "People who bought this also bought" sections, where we'll find:

Oh my.
Oh good Lord.
G-golly, are people actually buying these things on Amazon?
Maybe there was a Buy-Three-and-Get-One-Free sale?
I got one of these for Pacific Novelty's MiaD, she never wrote back

I like to think that out there, some where, some millionare is fucking with us. Some guy with tons and tons of money is out buying weird and wacky shit like rabbit carcasses then turning around and buying crateloads of home enema kits just to abuse, manipulate and modify the search rankings for his own amusement. Well honestly, for our amusement too, because this is pretty fucking hilarious in its own right.

Go ahead and click the "1 Customer Image" while you're there. I'll wait.

Great, now read the Customer Reviews!

As of this posting, 3 New and Used from $13.98! Smart Amazon shoppers buy used for big, big savings!

Was this review helpful to you? Yes / No

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